The Six Rules of Men’s Bathroom Etiquette
Unlike our lady-friends who jump at the chance to go to the bathroom with each other as an excuse to gossip and freshen up and God knows what else, us guys just wanna get in and get out. You know what I’m talking about, right guys? One girl announces that she has to go pee (also something you’ll never see a guy do) and the next thing you know there’s an entire line of ladies that all-of-a-sudden ‘have to go’. Not us. Here are some guidelines that most guys follow in the unfortunate circumstance that we must use a public bathroom.
Skip A Urinal
I don't know why but it's uncomfortable peeing next to another guy and God forbid we accidentally bump into each other. We also do this in movie theaters too, gotta skip a seat as a buffer zone of sorts. Of course if it's the only urinal available you have to use it but be prepared to feel like you're hanging in a closet trying to avoid rubbing elbows with the next guy, some guys even will wait their turn rather than get that close to another dude! The partitions between urinals was the greatest invention ever!
Cough, Cough... No, Not THAT Kind Of cough!
If you happen to be all by your lonesome the bathroom all tucked away in a stall and don't want someone yanking on your door because they have no idea you're in there, just give a little cough and that's guy-speak for: "Wussup, I'm in here, don't even think about it." You could try a sniff too, but let's think about that one first... just saying. Surely this has happened to you when someone tries the handle and scares the (poop?) out of you. Feels weird to actually speak up in a bathroom. Unlike you ladies out there, the guy's bathroom is a sterile environment, at least sonically. Cleanliness is a WHOLE different story! Which brings us to #3 and #4...
No Eye Contact, No Talking
Us guys, like shopping like to get in and get out, we're not in the bathroom to make friends and share stories. Don't try to mitigate the discomfort of seeing other guys peeing by striking up conversation with the dude next to you. He will most likely stare straight ahead which is what you should be doing too. Some bathrooms even have newspaper articles or pictures to look at in front of you. There are reasons for this. And under no circumstances are you to ever ever sneak a peek from side to side. That's a good way to get yourself decked. Keep your eyes on your business or on the wall, never ever talk to a guy or glance at him. Mirrors make this difficult but you'll only be in there for a few minutes, get it done and get out.
Clean Up After Yourself
"If you sprinkle when your tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat...", or so I think the note said that my mom taped to the toilet seat. The only thing we hate more than a public restrooms is not being able to sit down because every seat in the place has left overs from the person before. Wiping up another guy's dribbles is like trying to kill a spider with a Kleenex, haha. NOT happening. I know we're all in a hurry to get out of there but just take two seconds and clean it up. It is called the men's room after all... The boy's room is back at your elementary school.
The Proper Stance
You should like pretty much like a soldier at parade rest, with your hands in front of you of course lest you lose control of your 'hose' like in the cartoons. Don't stand too wide either as oversplash from the next guy's urinal can hit you in the foot, and never ever use a urinal in flip-flops. Well, you can, but be prepared to wash your feet in the sink too, and this is quite awkward. Stand pretty close to the urinal too so as to shield yourself from the accidental glance from the guy next to you. And above all, don't write your name with your stream or try to hit all of the holes in the drain either. This isn't a game, just aim down and let it fly.
Unlike at home where you have plenty of good ready and your bathroom is actually an inviting place (and escape from kids) the men's room again is more like drive-thru than a sit-down meal. You girls will hang out in there and wait for each other and yammer on about your dates, etc. but a guy hanging out in the bathroom is just plain creepy and I'm probably gonna walk in, see that and walk straight back out again. If you wanna chat with me wait until we get outside the door and then I'm game. The bathroom is off-limits for anything other than doing your business. And if you're hiding from someone, you've seen plenty of movies. The first place they're gonna look is the bathroom and I don't wanna be there when they nab you.