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Steven Tyler Closes Out Another Season of ‘American Idol’

Mark Davis, Getty Images

Well, here we are. The season finale of ‘American Idol.’ Sighs of relief all around.

Unfortunately, tonight’s loser must endure the worst fate yet: a summer spent with Gwyneth Paltrow, wherein she will prattle endlessly about her pretentiously perfect life while Coldplay drones on in an endless loop from an iPod playlist from hell. It’s horrific, but hey, them’s the breaks. Sing better next time, loser!

Let’s watch as Steven Tyler counts down the minutes to freedom.

Since Fox had an hour and 55 minutes to fill before the winner was announced, we had duets and group sings galore — some good, some dreadful. Generally, what you see on these finales are people with something to sell or something to prove. (If you want to see the performances, our sister site Popcrush will hook you up.)

For example, the big takeaway from the performances done by former ‘Idol’ winner Fantasia and funk icon Chaka Khan seemed to be that what’s great doesn’t always stay great. Also, that wearing a catsuit makes one screech like a cat. (My husband from the next room: “It’s like bad porn in there. All I hear is screaming.”)

Oh hey, there’s Rihanna, with a new single,  and Neil Diamond, with a new tour. And J. Lo took leave of the judging chair long enough to do two songs, because she has both a new record and a tour coming up. You see what we’re getting at here.

There were some nice moments, though — Phillip performed with John Fogerty, and if you like country/rock hybrids, you should also check out Skylar’s song with Reba McEntire, because it was pretty awesome. Also, Jessica more than held her own while singing with Jennifer Holliday, which was no easy feat.

We also saw Steven’s on-set bungalow. Lots of Playboy bunnies, lots of letters from and photos with celebs, the piano on which he wrote ‘Dream On,’ and hot pink walls. (What, you expected something understated?) And of course Aerosmith debuted their new song, ‘Legendary Child.’

Blah blah blah announce the winner already, Seacrest.

And it’s … Phillip Phillips. I like him a lot but I have to say this is yet another WGWG (“white guy with guitar,” if you aren’t up on these things) for ‘Idol,’ and the 5th year in a row that a dude has won. Good luck next year, ladies! You’ll need it.

Thanks for keeping me company this season, kids.

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