Celebrity To-Do List: Ray Lewis (A Day In The Life)
Ray Lewis, Schmay Lewis… Ever curious about what goes on from the time Ray wakes up till he drifts off to sleep? I’m not, but if I was, here’s a funny tongue-in-cheek list of what we think MIGHT be going on in his day if we got a peek at his iCal…
8:00 A.M.: Wake up, praise God loudly, then think about hitting someone so hard they go to the hospital.
8:20 A.M.: After showering, put on Axe Body Deer Antler Spray.
8:45 A.M.: Breakfast with teammates. Pick up the stab. I mean, tab.
10:00 A.M.: Send Tom Brady a “thank you” note for choking.
11:30 A.M.: Fail to see any hypocrisy in calling myself a pious family man, despite having six children with four women.
12:00 P.M.: Venison lunch. Ask waiter if I can have leftovers in an aerosol can.
1:00 P.M.: Meet some Ravens fans. Don’t tell them the joy of a Super Bowl victory will NEVER surpass the crippling sadness of having to live in Baltimore.
2:00 P.M.: Crank call O.J. Simpson to taunt him about how I’m an NFL player who killed two people with a knife and got away with it.
3:00 P.M.: Get an injection from trainer. Don’t ask any questions.
4:20 P.M.: Respond to allegations I used a banned substance made from deer antlers . . . by having every deer on earth murdered before they can prove anything.
5:00 P.M.: Accidentally call coach “JIM Harbaugh.” When he corrects me, stab him.
6:00 P.M.: Accept award as the Baltimore resident who’s committed the fewest murders.
10:00 P.M.: Pray. Then look at a picture of Colin Kaepernick and imagine ripping his head off.