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7 Reasons Your Office Holiday Party Always Sucks

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The holiday season is in full swing (to the groin) mode. The gift buying, the greeting card writing, the wire untangling, the decorating, the traveling, the awkward hugging, wrapping/rewrapping/wrapping routine –December is an obstacle course for the body and soul.

And of course, no holiday season is complete without enduring the suck fest that is the office holiday party. Work party? An oxymoron if there ever was one. These two things do not mesh. Who ever thought of combining the two should be forced into three years hard labor as a Santa in a strip mall.

Here’s seven reasons why the average office holiday party is a pile of reindeer presents:

The hot girl you can’t have

The Mila Kunis look-alike from payroll corners you by the brownie tray and whispers in your ear, “Too bad you have a girlfriend.” Note to self: don’t flirt where you work. Actually, you have a girlfriend – don’t flirt at all, dummy. If you cheat, your girl will find out. If you cheat, and she doesn’t, this girl might be nuts and she knows where you work.

Extra time sucking up to the boss

You want that promotion just as much as the next dude, right? That’s why half the night you find yourself jockeying for some face time with The Boss. Just so you can stand around him like a peasant while he talks about his boats and hunting expeditions and all the Christmas bonus money he gave himself that could have been added to your salary.

Alcohol and supervisors don’t mix

When your direct supervisor drinks he turns into an extremely close talker and sprays your face with his mini hot dog laced saliva. “I really think (spit spit) this year could be big for our department, (spit spit) buddy” Is there really anything worse? You try to go numb and think happy thoughts, but the smell of wet meat on your face is too much to bare. God forbid one of them gets wasted.

Who picks these stupid locations?

You hate bowling and karaoke to begin with and now you have to endure it with these creeps? Just the mere idea of holding these “parties” in “fun” places makes them all the more depressing. Next year tell the office manager to do away with the “fun place” and hold this event somewhere more fitting – like the stationary closet or anywhere else but the Bowl-O-Dome.

The obligation to eat crappy food

Between Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Year’s Eve you’ve gained 22 pounds but at least those pounds consist of food YOU choose to stuff down your fat face. At holiday parties, Fannie the 78-year-old secretary with the cat army, keeps refilling your plate with her disgusting homemade ziti. “Thank you, Fannie. You’re too kind.”

Organized (and unorganized) activities

You’ve avoided the limbo stick, you’ve stayed clear of the Bingo and funky photo booth, but who cares – you’ve just been spotted by the shipping guys and forced to referee their arm wrestling competition. WARNING: leave these guys as soon as possible or else you’ll find yourself appointed judge of their Kid ‘n’ Play Dance Competition.

Who parties in the middle of the day?

The holiday season is often jam-packed from morning to night. Think you can just crash out on your couch after this party? Hell no. You promised your girlfriend you’d swing by HER office party across town. Good news: we hear they have an Elvis impersonator, a balloon animal guy, a caricature artist, a couples dance event and caroling competitions all planned! Tis the season to drink heavy.

Amit Wehle is an essayist, screenwriter and registered thoughtsmith. Follow him on Twitter @AMITWEHLE, read his musings on sex, relationships and general human suffering here or wonder why his own website hasn’t been updated properly here.

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